The Shame Game
People become so very critical when you finally speak on that which eats you alive. They slink away and poke fun at your vulnerability. Vulnerability that is the courage to not feel shame but to reach out and find other people who have experienced the same trauma. Society indirectly teases the various different initiatives and support groups that are meant to give those struggling the ability to find their voice if only to get it out of their head.
I have learned a lot and took the time to explore the opposite side of ideas that were not of my opinion after a kind, unnamed individual took the time to put my misunderstanding into perspective for me. And what I’ve discovered on this soul searching journey is that hard topics are always hush hush. Thus discrimination based upon on mental health, gender, race, sexuality, domestic violence, and sexual abuse are subjects that have been mocked, blatantly ignored, and/or disbelieved. (I.e jokes about the #metoomovement).
What I’ve taken from this is that if someone isn’t living the same nightmare, then they simply cannot comprehend the fight you face daily thus they do not believe in your suffering. “Suck it up buttercup.” So you are discredited. You are shamed into remaining silent. You are avoided. Because you speak what eats you alive and makes you feel shame.
Our brains are the most incredible and widely studied organ in our body. You teach it based on just the words you speak or even the words you can’t speak. We observe. We learn. And we find the capability to overcome. There is no shame in facing our demons or in speaking into the established silence about these controversial topics with a shaky voice.
I’ve been closely observing the human race during my struggle to stay present; and the various ways we cope with occurrences that could negatively impact us comes in so many forms. To name a few, some sit with their pain and suffering because it’s all their brain can process in that moment. Yet, it’s not meant to be permanent. It supposedly ends with eventual patience and work. This is where I am at.
Others cope by numbing agents. Rather than think about hardships they’ve faced in life and work through them, they partake in substances that take away the pain if only for the time in which it’s in their system. Which is why therapy and support groups for such things tends to bring out the memories that were being numbed in the first place. The substance abuse is often treated simultaneously with the trauma because this is when you face it sober. This is where I used to be.
And finally there’s those who paint their faces with confidence during the healing process. They believe that to not portray weakness in moments of grief and pain is the strength and perseverance the first category lacks. They attempt to approach without their emotion. This farce is what I feel crashes the hardest when it comes to facing their pain. It is the storyline where they’re the courageous hero and at no point can they be seen as weak. When it comes time to work through the pain, they fight themselves at every turn to make themselves believe that they’re not in pain. This is where I was when I fell into this hole of despair that I’m digging out of.
A person can work through their trauma utilizing all three approaches at various points in their lives. You may start by wallowing in your pain then when that doesn’t heal, you begin to portray the confidence that you are absolutely okay. So that you are seen in the light society believes all people should see. You distract yourself by pouring yourself into your family or job. Then when it is time to be alone, your confidence falters and you remember what you sought to forget. Then maybe the confidence portrayed becomes a moment of weakness by partaking in the numbing agent when it’s time to be alone with yourself.
These coping mechanisms undoubtedly coexist together. And when you meet a person who seems depressed about life in general, maybe stop to think that they are experiencing the end of their charade of strength where they believe they cannot move forward. When you look up to a person for the confidence that radiates off of them, maybe don’t be so critical when you find out that they breakdown at the end of a long day of pretending. And finally, when you scoff at the alcoholics or narcotics users for their addictions, maybe rather than looking down, find the ability to empathize to their untold stories.
If we were to be creatures that feel, display, and without a doubt have courage all the time, then we wouldn’t be requiring patience and healing at our own pace. We wouldn’t have to face demons because there wouldn’t be a chance for your brain to create them. But where we are at and what we’ve experienced thus far helps to define who you are in that moment, what you want to be in the future, and what you refuse to ever be.
Brene Brown, a researcher on shame, stated in her documentary, “A Call to Courage,” that in order to be courageous you have to have even the slightest bit of vulnerability. To me, that means we have to move past our shame. It means we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable with ourselves and courageously voice that which smothers all logical thought. It doesn’t have to be with just a counselor. To me, it’s not an overshare to speak, write, sing, or paint your pain for others to see and reflect on. It allows you to know that you’re not alone when people reach out to tell their stories. Or when they allow themselves to be vulnerable and courageously use their voice in an otherwise unfeeling society. Or when they choose to not relive their nightmares but to change the narrative in their minds by sharing.
I’m not an expert in trauma, psychology, grief, or psychiatry whatsoever. I cannot quote from research other than the podcasts I listen to and I do not claim that I do. But I do know that what I’ve worked through, what I continue to work through, and what I have thus far healed from; all of this time has given me time to practice self-reflection, observation, and empathy for the individuals that I used to completely misjudge. This is also a revelation of how all of those that pounce on or mock weakness could also be experiencing their own pain simultaneously; another coping mechanism. Please remember that every synopsis or outward appearance of a book is not a complete and utter portrayal of the contents inside.
Triggered is not a shameful word. It’s not a joke for the masses that are in the peak of their lives and cannot comprehend that others are not. It doesn’t make you a snowflake to feel and finally understand what you’ve unconsciously avoided for years. To look down upon those struggling with their mental health is to essentially say: I do not believe you. We cannot paint the vision of happiness all of the time. Sometimes we need a break. Sometimes we need to regroup. And sometimes we have to reface our smothered down memories as if they could actually be happening in the present.
Silence is deafening and places the weight of your pain on your shoulders until you can no longer walk the path you are on without strain. When my breakdown happened, my doctors had me convinced that what was happening was neurological. My family and friends were supportive while I was terrified. Then the University of Tennessee doctors in Knoxville diagnosed me with PTSD with focal seizures. My first reaction to this diagnosis was shame that it was psychological. I kept asking myself what would my family and friends think once they found out that their support and donations to help with my medical bills was for a non life-threatening illness. And that it was “all in my head.” I felt compelled to apologize and retract everyone’s support.
So much shame. I was embarrassed. And I disbelieved the diagnosis. PTSD couldn’t possibly take me out of the present and put me back into the scared mindset of the impure, sexualized child that I was forced into becoming. It couldn’t possibly cause seizures at the sound of sirens passing by or loud banging noises. Could it? It can. And that stress of family, life, and the need to protect that you’ve been smothering down on top of all of this can completely disable your body and mind. People look at your stress and struggles and say to “fake it until you make it.” They say to keep it behind closed doors. Faking it is no longer a societal coping mechanism that I choose to partake in. The doors have opened for me and with it came the courage to speak. Find your courage and allow yourself to be vulnerable to whatever may come from it.
